Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Falling Down and Getting Back Up Again

I haven't been writing because I'm afraid of what I'll say. I've been living in a state of semi-depression over recognizing the necessity of settling on a job. Due to my reluctance to take a job that does not further my search for an actual career, I have found something wrong with every job for which I've been interviewed. I seem to only be getting responses from jobs I absolutely don't want while the ones I can see myself doing float off in the distance, too far to be reached. I have to remind myself that while they may be out of my reach right now, they won't always be. I promised myself when I moved here that I would do whatever it took to support myself and figure it out. Now that I actually have to do whatever it takes, meaning settling for a job I don't want, I'm scared. I'm too afraid to face reality because I've been living in this limbo land of possibility for so long. I've become so dependent on unemployment that I'm scared to be employed again, scared of rejection, scared of finding another job to be unfulfilling. But the fact is, if I don't even try, I will just be stuck in this limbo forever and as detrimental as it is to my health now, it will be far worse if I allow it to continue. I have been letting myself lose confidence and the only one suffering right now is me. When we give up on ourselves it is worse than others giving up on us. The last defense we have is our belief in ourselves and our abilities, once we let that wall fall then we are really in trouble. I know I have to pick myself back up and believe once again that I can accomplish my goals. If I take a job in a field that I don't enjoy, it does not mean it's forever. I will never be trapped in a job that I can't quit, I will never be forced to do something that I don't want to do. I have been viewing settling as a sign of failure when it's not, when I used to say it was sometimes necessary to get where I wanted to go. I have to remember the attitude I had three months ago when I started this journey and revive it. I've lost faith in my abilities when I have no reason to. I know I am smart, confident, a quick learner, and a hard worker. The rejections I've received should be the catalysts to keep me going, not to give up trying. We all fall down sometimes, and while getting up can be extremely difficult, I'd like to believe that it is worth it in the end.

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