Monday, June 11, 2012

That Place Between Dreaming and Waking

I seem to be in the contemplative mood today which is conducive to writing for me. I have been thinking recently of relationships and human nature. I often have dreams about people from my past- people I no longer want to speak to or think of, people that I miss, people that I didn't know I missed. I am a huge believer in dreams having significance and I often analyze my own dreams (maybe over-analyzing at times). I go through periods where I will dream about one person consistently for days or weeks and it always leaves me wondering why? If it is someone in my past who has hurt or betrayed me then I often acknowledge that I have not forgiven that person so they continue to visit or haunt me so to speak. If it is someone I was very close to I wonder if I am merely missing that person or if I still need him/her in my life. Perhaps I over-think the events that happen in my dreams but I recognize that they tell me things, things I might not want to acknowledge in waking life; things that I can probably push to the back of my mind and bury. But how healthy is this? My dreams are screaming at me to address an underlying problem in my life yet I analyze and brush it aside. It's fear that makes me do so- fear of reestablishing a connection, fear of rejection again, fear of getting hurt. Being hurt is the number one reason that I do not act on most of my desires. I cut people out for a reason, why let them back in? 
This also leads to other questions. Nowadays we can delete people or block them, but can we ever really erase someone from existence? I can answer that right now. No. You can't. But then we are sort of trapped, aren't we? Because I also believe there is no such thing as closure. Even if you truly forgive someone for hurting you, even if you supposedly have a clean breakup, do you ever really find that sense of peace? Can you ever feel the same way again? Do you go on living as if nothing happened? I don't think so. I have had a hard time dealing with forgiving individuals in my past. I convince myself that I am over the hurt, that I have forgiven everything that I formerly thought unforgiveable, until one mention of the person or one harmless dream sets me back a few years. There is always something to remind you of those things you never want to think of again, so can we ever truly forgive and forget? Or does life feel the need to remind us continually of the past so we can remember how to think and feel going forwards?
When I get reminiscent, my judgment is clouded. I think I can make things like they were; I think that I was mistaken letting someone go. Things can never be as they were and maybe I was mistaken letting that person go, but what am I supposed to do about it? It's hard to know the right answer. Trying to replicate the past is always a bad idea, I can say that with certainty. But what if you let someone go and it was the wrong decision? Do you try to make them a place in your life again, or do you deal with the consequence of losing?
I also think that each person represents something different as well. Maybe that person I am dreaming of was my emotional backbone for a long time or maybe they were the best friend to whom I always turned. One person can't be your cure all. One person doesn't have everything to fulfill your needs. It's why we have family, friends, soulmates, significant others, neighbors. You get something different out of every relationship you are in and you can't rely solely on one person for all the answers; it's why each of us forms our own support network that constantly grows and changes. I know what the people who visit my dreams mean to me and I know what message they are trying to bring me. It's just hard to know whether they are the ones to fulfill that need or whether I should be looking elsewhere. It's hard to bury the past because it defines so much of who we are in the present. Recognizing when to hold on and when to let go proves to be a constant challenge. 

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