Thursday, October 27, 2016

AM Musings

What are we doing here? What does it all mean? I find myself at the kitchen table this morning asking myself these questions. I've been staring at my bedroom ceiling since 5 AM trying to find meaning in the last month. The ramifications of my decision to quit my job have come down on me quite hard lately. In a moment of weakness/as a favor to my husband, I even asked my boss if I could have my old job back part time, but she has decided not to hire anyone now. As I sobbed into my pillow, I wondered why I thought it was such a good idea to give up my financial stability. Then I remembered one word: happiness.
Did I think I could be happy? Did I really think I could find this elusive concept in a new job? Yes, I did and deep down I know that I still do. The real world seems to be coming at me fast, crushing me up into this ball of unemployed misery. I know this is when I have to fight.
So, real talk: I have secured a part time job, as in only a few days a months, at my local library. Going down this track has led me to the conclusion that I most likely have to go back to school for my master's degree if I want to make a career in library science and/or education. I have been on several interviews in the past month, many in the industry from whence I came; however, an interview is an interview, right? I have an interview at a university on Monday for a part time position in which I would be making decent money were I to get the job.
These are all positives, right? The universe is still pummeling me with signs. For instance, yesterday I went outside for a walk, which my body has been yelling at me to do all week, and I ran into my neighbor at the exact same time. She knew I was usually at work at that time, so she asked how I was. I explained that I had quit my job. We got on the topic of employment and she is a substitute teacher at the school in town. It was something I had thought about looking into myself. Universe, screaming!
I know I need to continue to trust the process and have faith in myself, but in a world where money talks and student loans are an eternal ball and chain, it can be easy to lose focus.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

"When I was Younger, You Told me I Should Get my Shit Together..."

"When I was younger / You told me I should get my shit together / You said life is a painting / But all your colors always bleed together..."

The new One Republic song "Dream" has me thinking about all my life choices and my current state of unemployment. Now, while I am still getting paid from my old job through tomorrow, I have hit my semi-depressive state where I think about the move I made and the ramifications of such a decision. While listening to this song, I can't help but think that this is me "getting my shit together." But the song is also about people being able to dream and follow those things which make them the happiest. As I sat through interviews at different insurance offices last week for practice, I found myself only looking forward to the interview I had with a local library. As I answered the standard "where do you see yourself in five years" type questions at the insurance agencies, I was mapping out the things I would say regarding my passion for education and literacy in my head. My vigor and enthusiasm for that one interview told me all I need to know. My dream lies in the world of literature and/or education, it always has. Finally taking this step toward a completely new goal is simultaneously terrifying and invigorating. I recognize that this is the first step toward actual change. I can't give up on myself now or ever despite not having the perfect ending in sight.

"I found some new innovations / Might just be my imagination / People can dream."

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Back Before Too Long

I feel as if I've neglected this blog, or rather I should write that I have neglected myself. I started this blog because I wanted to make a change; I wanted to make a difference. I am sad to say that the ways of the world have molded me back into the 9-5 daily grind girl, and I recently recognized that this was slowly eating away at me. I have known for a while that the corporate world is not for me. It does not provide the flexibility nor the creativity that I need to survive. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say survive, the paycheck has me doing just fine; I should say thrive.
Recently, some events happened at my current place of employment that forced me to reflect on my life and what I wanted. I haven't really had time to do this in a while. I have been saying constantly that I don't want to be in the insurance and financial world; however, the bills keep coming and the student loans never seem to go down, so I never invested enough time in myself, in my needs, in my wants. Well, last week I did just that. After meeting with my boss, I went home for the afternoon. After an embarrassing amount of crying and soul searching, I knew that I could not continue on the path I was traveling. So I went into the office the next day and gave my notice, much to the simultaneous chagrin and support of my husband. Now because of the bills and the loans that will continue to come, it wasn't the overwhelming sense of freedom that I had when I moved across three states with no job four years ago. I have been sick about my decision for the past week, but I know in my heart that it was the right decision for me.
Since I am an emotional person, I look to others for advice. I have received both tough love and encouragement. For those who do not know me, my actions may have seemed selfish and ill-conceived, thoughtless and impulsive; however, if I look back on the last few years, I know that they were anything but impulsive. My best friend said she wished she had kept a calendar of the amount of times I had called or texted her in misery over a client verbally abusing me over the phone or about the negative atmosphere clouding our small office. I have another friend who agreed and that he'd be happy to provide a similar calendar. The overarching response that I have received from people is a reaction similar to "Wow, good for you. You've been unhappy for a while."
That thought struck a chord with me- unhappy for a while? Have I been? I know that I haven't been at my best, that I haven't felt creative, that I have felt unsatisfied and unfulfilled, but when I have friends and family commenting on my state of being, it made me sit and think. As I drove into work last week, I thought of the void my mind had become. The mind-numbing journeys back and forth to the office as I mentally steeled myself for what may come on the drive in and tried to forget what happened on the drive home. That is no way to live, I'm here to tell you that. Life is too short to not chase what we believe to be the source of our own happiness. And for some it is the corporate life, it is money, it is the job. I'm not discounting that. But for me, it's not. I don't think it ever has been; unfortunately, it just takes a drastic breakthrough every few years to wake me up to this fact.
So here I am, unemployed once more. Well, technically not unemployed just yet... My boss is paying me through my notice; however, the nature of my job makes it so that it made no sense for me to stay in the office talking to new clients if I am to be gone within two weeks' time. While I grapple with the word "unemployed," I also look at it as an opportunity. I have two interviews today- granted, both are in the field I just came from; however, I choose to see these interviews as stepping stones. I'm getting myself back into the mindset of communicating my talent and worth, something I have discounted for a long time. I have another interview tomorrow in a new field, one in which I am very interested. One which will enrich my creative and literary side. I almost don't want to type those words because I am superstitiously anxious about this opportunity. I continue to pray and hope that the decision I made was the right one. I took this step for a reason. I was meant to be here for a reason. I'm here to tell you that you can't give that up. You can never stop searching for the thing or person or job that will make you heart happy. Or else, what is the point? What are we doing here if not to search for the greater good?