On this scorcher of a day, I have locked myself inside my apartment like a hermit. Despite not setting my alarm this morning, I woke up at the same time I have been all week. It looks like a schedule is starting to stick, which I suppose is a good thing after the unstructured, unemployed life I had been living. I make sure to get up a half hour earlier every day because I have committed to writing in my journal before work, a habit that had gone by the wayside when I was previously employed and overstressed. As I sit on the couch today, cold and comfortable, I am struck by a recurring wave of nostalgia. Per usual, a dream about an old friend brought up those feelings that I like to hide deep inside of me. Why is it we seem to miss the people that can no longer be there? The people that we're not supposed to miss? The people we don't want to admit we miss?
The memories that come to mind most readily are from college because it is the place where I learned the most about myself over a period of four years. Everyone says to enjoy it while you can because if you blink, those days will be gone. Well I made the mistake of blinking because those four years have been gone for a few years. The truth is that I defined myself throughout my college experience. I became who I am today through the mistakes and achievements I made on that campus with those people. I got my first bad grade, I had my first real heartbreak, I became outgoing, I had my first major onstage role, I fell in love, I found God, I found familiarity in strangers, I made close friends, I lost God, I found myself crying on the floor more than once, I walked around campus smiling at the beauty of life. I went through a range of emotions and experiences crammed into four short years surrounded by people who are still in my life, surrounded by people who continue to affect my life even though I've lost contact, surrounded by people who I no longer wish to have a part of my life. On days off like this one, I remember it all, the beauty and pain alike.
I think we all can look back on a certain place in life and remember what and who defined our morals, our heart, our minds, ourselves. Maybe the present I am living right now is another defining period in my life and in a few years, I will look back and remember the obstacles I overcame- unemployment, moving, loneliness. Maybe I will continue to dream about those people no longer here. At times it is beyond annoying and makes me extremely emotional over what is probably insignificant, but sometimes it comes as a comfort, a taste of that time I miss. I can't have it back, and in some ways, I don't want it back. But it's still there, those people are still a part of me, those experiences and mistakes still define me.
Every choice we make, every person we allow to occupy a place in our heart, every experience we have creates our road map. Everyone has one, a map that defines the kind of person he or she is and will continue to become. We are each unique, we are all individuals with a story to tell. Every day I add to my story, every day I remember the tales I have to tell, the experiences that make me different from the next person. I have been striving to keep my story alive in my journals, through my writing, in this blog. How will you tell your story?