My focus shifts today to the topic of grieving. I lost my grandmother almost a month ago, and I feel as if I still have not grieved the loss of her. She didn't want a funeral, didn't want a service, and so my family is left to struggle with her loss. I had a dream about her last night which brought up all my emotions again. I dreamed that she was there with all my family, but I was the only one talking to her, the sole person interacting with her. She bent down to get something by the fireplace and I turned around for a second only to find her gone when I looked back. As my eyes searched the room, all I saw were sympathetic, sad faces around me. That's when I remembered that she was gone, she had been gone for nearly a month and I had imagined her there with me. I feel that way most days. I feel guilty that I don't think of her; I don't make any conscious efforts to change the term grandparents to a singular person when speaking of an upcoming visit or their home. I still think she's here sometimes, still think I can drive to visit as I was planning before she took a sudden turn for the worse. At times I feel guilty for not visiting sooner, but having spoken to her on the phone a couple days before her death, I am almost glad I did not see her in the sickness that consumed her at last. Her voice was weak, she was confused and on too much morphine. As I sit here today, the world seems a little too gloomy. It is supposed to rain and I find that fitting because I just want to think about the world as a place where she no longer resides. It is hard to mourn someone who doesn't want to be mourned. I appreciate her not wanting us to worry, not wanting us to be left with lots to do in her absence, but it's hard to feel like she is gone for good when I haven't put her to rest in body and spirit.