Grieving

My focus shifts today to the topic of grieving. I lost my grandmother almost a month ago, and I feel as if I still have not grieved the loss of her. She didn't want a funeral, didn't want a service, and so my family is left to struggle with her loss. I had a dream about her last night which brought up all my emotions again. I dreamed that she was there with all my family, but I was the only one talking to her, the sole person interacting with her. She bent down to get something by the fireplace and I turned around for a second only to find her gone when I looked back. As my eyes searched the room, all I saw were sympathetic, sad faces around me. That's when I remembered that she was gone, she had been gone for nearly a month and I had imagined her there with me. I feel that way most days. I feel guilty that I don't think of her; I don't make any conscious efforts to change the term grandparents to a singular person when speaking of an upcoming visit or their home. I still think she's here sometimes, still think I can drive to visit as I was planning before she took a sudden turn for the worse. At times I feel guilty for not visiting sooner, but having spoken to her on the phone a couple days before her death, I am almost glad I did not see her in the sickness that consumed her at last. Her voice was weak, she was confused and on too much morphine. As I sit here today, the world seems a little too gloomy. It is supposed to rain and I find that fitting because I just want to think about the world as a place where she no longer resides. It is hard to mourn someone who doesn't want to be mourned. I appreciate her not wanting us to worry, not wanting us to be left with lots to do in her absence, but it's hard to feel like she is gone for good when I haven't put her to rest in body and spirit.

That Place Between Dreaming and Waking

I seem to be in the contemplative mood today which is conducive to writing for me. I have been thinking recently of relationships and human nature. I often have dreams about people from my past- people I no longer want to speak to or think of, people that I miss, people that I didn't know I missed. I am a huge believer in dreams having significance and I often analyze my own dreams (maybe over-analyzing at times). I go through periods where I will dream about one person consistently for days or weeks and it always leaves me wondering why? If it is someone in my past who has hurt or betrayed me then I often acknowledge that I have not forgiven that person so they continue to visit or haunt me so to speak. If it is someone I was very close to I wonder if I am merely missing that person or if I still need him/her in my life. Perhaps I over-think the events that happen in my dreams but I recognize that they tell me things, things I might not want to acknowledge in waking life; things that I can probably push to the back of my mind and bury. But how healthy is this? My dreams are screaming at me to address an underlying problem in my life yet I analyze and brush it aside. It's fear that makes me do so- fear of reestablishing a connection, fear of rejection again, fear of getting hurt. Being hurt is the number one reason that I do not act on most of my desires. I cut people out for a reason, why let them back in? 

This also leads to other questions. Nowadays we can delete people or block them, but can we ever really erase someone from existence? I can answer that right now. No. You can't. But then we are sort of trapped, aren't we? Because I also believe there is no such thing as closure. Even if you truly forgive someone for hurting you, even if you supposedly have a clean breakup, do you ever really find that sense of peace? Can you ever feel the same way again? Do you go on living as if nothing happened? I don't think so. I have had a hard time dealing with forgiving individuals in my past. I convince myself that I am over the hurt, that I have forgiven everything that I formerly thought unforgiveable, until one mention of the person or one harmless dream sets me back a few years. There is always something to remind you of those things you never want to think of again, so can we ever truly forgive and forget? Or does life feel the need to remind us continually of the past so we can remember how to think and feel going forwards?

When I get reminiscent, my judgment is clouded. I think I can make things like they were; I think that I was mistaken letting someone go. Things can never be as they were and maybe I was mistaken letting that person go, but what am I supposed to do about it? It's hard to know the right answer. Trying to replicate the past is always a bad idea, I can say that with certainty. But what if you let someone go and it was the wrong decision? Do you try to make them a place in your life again, or do you deal with the consequence of losing?

I also think that each person represents something different as well. Maybe that person I am dreaming of was my emotional backbone for a long time or maybe they were the best friend to whom I always turned. One person can't be your cure all. One person doesn't have everything to fulfill your needs. It's why we have family, friends, soulmates, significant others, neighbors. You get something different out of every relationship you are in and you can't rely solely on one person for all the answers; it's why each of us forms our own support network that constantly grows and changes. I know what the people who visit my dreams mean to me and I know what message they are trying to bring me. It's just hard to know whether they are the ones to fulfill that need or whether I should be looking elsewhere. It's hard to bury the past because it defines so much of who we are in the present. Recognizing when to hold on and when to let go proves to be a constant challenge. 

Transition Phase

Once again I am in transition mode, but when are we not transitioning? I start my (kind of) new job on Wednesday and with every passing day I grow more nervous. I am anxious to be working again after such a long period of stagnation. I worry about how the people will be, how the job will be here, how many hours I can get. If money was not a consideration, there would be far less worry in my life and everyone else's (I assume). We could all pursue our talents and interests instead of settling on jobs that people deem are worthy of us. Again I state that I have a real problem with the entry level versus experienced candidates because those of us who are entry level are never given a chance to become experienced. I believe experience shouldn't be solely classified on what jobs you have worked and how long. It should be based on your knowledge of the field and the willingness you have to do the job- so many other things should be considered in the hiring process.

However, I am pursuing optimism as this week progresses. I hope that this job will provide further opportunity for me. Since I have been working for this company for the past year and a half, I am considered "experienced." I hope that in my case my experience will pay off and that I will be comfortable in considerably less time than it would take if I was brand new. I also hope that my experience allows me to be considered for bigger and better opportunities in the future. I have started thinking beyond my current role and want to take every opportunity I can to grow within different roles, to become more valuable to the company, and to add more to my personal resume of accomplishments as well as my professional one. I believe we are as valuable as we give ourselves credit, as we alllow ourselves to be. The number of jobs and bullet points on a sheet of paper doesn't define who you are, but your sense of self-worth does.

I pray that the right opportunities will come my way and I will be able to recognize the right paths for me as I continue learning about myself. I've gained a lot of self-confidence through doing and learning. I hope to continue to be open to taking chances I might find along the way. All I can do is remain true to myself and work towards fitting the rest into place.

"So don't be afraid to let them show, your true colors... are beautiful like a rainbow."

I went to bed last night with an idea for today's post. I should have just written it last night because I was thinking about it and on top of that, I got zero sleep. I had two very different interviews yesterday and the day turned out the opposite of what I had predicted. I was dreading one because it was for the same company that I left three months ago, and I was excited about another one because it was a chance to do something different. 

Well, the first one, the one I was dreading, went wonderfully. I met a group of people that I felt comfortable around. The manager sat at the middle of the conference table because he didn't like being the head of the table. I spoke with him and another supervisor for almost a half hour and was completely at home. While I had rid myself of negative thoughts going into the interview, I confess that I couldn't completely get rid of the dread. I left home and a job that I disliked, a work environment that had become detrimental to my health, yet here I was three states away and three months later interviewing with the same company I had formed such a strong vendetta against. I was pleasantly surprised by the demeanor of the employees there and by the amount of time the supervisors had been with the company. I left with a smile feeling that it was less of an interview and more of an informal meeting. Less than a half hour later I got a job offer from them. 

An hour afterwards, I sat in another office. This was a second interview for a company that I was on the fence about but nevertheless I had geared myself up for the new opportunities they might bring. I was semi-dreading this interview too because I wasn't sure how I would get along with the owner, of whom I had already been warned. Like the earlier interview, I pushed aside my reservations and decided to accept what the experience had to offer. My interview was at 4:00 pm, I was early per usual, and I was back in my car leaving at exactly 4:00 pm. I met the owner and after a couple hurried questions for me, the bulk of which including whether I would be staying at my place of residence for more than a year and who I was living with, etc., and a series of questions for the employee whose job I would be taking, he said goodbye. He had sat at the head of the table, as the administrative assistant said he liked to do, and grilled rather than talked to me. It was all very rushed and set me off a little. I spent forty times as much time in my car driving to and from the interview than I did speaking with him.

The whole incident got me thinking about work, the perfect job, the perfect boss, the perfect work environment, etc. I know it has been the topic of my musings for most of this blog because the last few months have been dedicated solely to the purpose of finding employment, but I've learned some valuable lessons. I've learned who I can and can not work for and with. I've learned what I want in a boss and in a job. I've learned what environment I am comfortable in and which one I feel like fleeing from. Yesterday taught me what I already knew but hadn't written down in words yet. If you don't feel comfortable in the interview or if you don't feel respected by the person interviewing you, is this really a place you want to be working? The last few weeks have been rough for me as I have been sliding into a semi-depressive state over my unemployment, but when I walked into interview #1, I exuded the self-confidence that has been buried under the surface. The people I spoke with and the people I met allowed me to show my true self and embraced my exuberance. They allowed me to feel like myself for the first time in a few long months of interviewing, I didn't have to hide behind a suit or regurgitate my resume, they wanted to see me for me and I showed them. The second interview of the day left me feeling unwanted and kicked to the curb. I felt I had just been interrogated, that I wasn't important. I felt like a potential place holder, not a desired employee. The first job showed interest immediately and recognized my potential; the second job gave me a handshake and a few days to think. I don't need time to think. I knew the minute I walked out of the first interview, and my opinion was validated the second I walked out of interview #2. 

So I leave you with this advice- go with your gut. If an interviewer doesn't make you feel wanted or a work environment makes you feel uncomfortable than why fight for a place within that company? Go somewhere your talents are recognized, go somewhere you'll be acknowledged. Most importantly, go somewhere you can be yourself. By the time I left my last work environment, my true self was buried so deep below criticisms and mistakes that I barely recognized who I was. It's taken a while to get back that confidence. It's taken a while to show everyone who I am again. Don't let people take you for granted, and don't let them tell you who to be. You're significant, you are special. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you feel less than that.

Being Honest With Yourself

"The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment." 

~Pema Chodron

Another day and the job search continues. I found a few writing/editing jobs this morning that brought my optimism level higher than expected. I get that temporary high as I write cover letters explaining my love for writing, hoping and praying that those on the receiving end will perceive my enthusiasm and look past my entry level status. I spent yesterday afternoon watching a marathon of Sex and the City in lieu of relaxing from an interview that was rescheduled at the last minute. I envy Carrie Bradshaw, and not because of the multitude of shoes in her closet, but because of her passion for writing. She gets to write daily about the things that are most important and most intriguing to her. I want that. I hope some day to have it. I'm a creative writer, not a cutthroat journalist. I come to conclusions based on my own experiences, not by poking and prodding at the lives of others. The picture of Carrie sitting in her quaint New York apartment staring out the window at the changing seasons and writing about matters close to her heart sticks with me. If I could sit at my computer every day making a difference in the lives of readers while simultaneously writing about each and every thing that pops into my head, I would be in heaven. Turning my musings into words, my experiences into stories, my life into a fictional novel- it's all I want. I continue to strive toward that goal, despite having to interview for jobs that are not within the same inspiring realm. 

Have you ever felt that possibility and opportunity was so close yet simultaneously so far away? It is as if all the possibilities in the world are limitingly endless or endlessly limiting. It is as if you're stuck in that limbo that I always preach about. Writing and expressing emotion mean everything to me and if I could share that passion outside of the few people who read my blog, I would do so. I have found my own voice in writing, I just hope that I can look beyond the fear that I am no good, that I am too emotional, that no one will understand my writing and just be able to write fearlessly. All I want, all i have ever wanted is to write the next bestseller, is to publish a book of my poetry, is to become a better short story writer. What is stopping me? It's fear. Fear that I won't be accepted, fear that I can't accomplish the goals I set for myself, fear that I will fail. But how can I fail if I never try? Ask yourself how many goals and ambitions you have put on the back burner because you're afraid. I'm afraid to even begin sometimes. I discourage myself before my pen hits the paper. But I know I need to conquer those fears just as I conquer fear every day- fear of rejection at an interview, fear that I'm not good enough for the job to which I am applying, fear that I won't be able to pay my bills on time. Step past that fear, just brush past it and keep walking. 

Yesterday I put off writing in my journal all day. I told myself it was because my interview for the morning was cancelled so I was off my intended schedule. I told myself that relaxing in front of the television was more important. I told myself it could wait another hour. Finally, I muted the television and dug up my journal. I started writing what I feared- that I was depressed because I had been unemployed so long, that I missed people I haven't seen in years, that I had no clue what my future held. And when my twenty minutes were up, I went back to the couch, but I felt relieved. That composition book was no longer a ticking time bomb in my closet, it never detonated because I overcame my demons and wrote. I am often fearful of what I'll find when I write, afraid someone else will find it some day and think I'm crazy, afraid the phantoms of my past will haunt me for days afterwords. But what I've found is that if I don't write, I become the time bomb, my emotions bottle up to disastrous proportions until I explode irrationally at everyone and everything that have the misfortune of walking in my path. Not saying what you're feeling is far more destructive than being honest, even if that honesty is difficult to face. I face my fears every day- new ones, old ones, ones I didn't know existed. It's frightening but it's life, it's reality, it's my reality. With every obstacle I overcome, with every negative thought I manage to combat, I win a little. I hope my tiny victories catalyze a major life change. A lot has changed over the past few months, and I hope it continues to change for the better. 

Falling Down and Getting Back Up Again

I haven't been writing because I'm afraid of what I'll say. I've been living in a state of semi-depression over recognizing the necessity of settling on a job. Due to my reluctance to take a job that does not further my search for an actual career, I have found something wrong with every job for which I've been interviewed. I seem to only be getting responses from jobs I absolutely don't want while the ones I can see myself doing float off in the distance, too far to be reached. I have to remind myself that while they may be out of my reach right now, they won't always be. I promised myself when I moved here that I would do whatever it took to support myself and figure it out. Now that I actually have to do whatever it takes, meaning settling for a job I don't want, I'm scared. I'm too afraid to face reality because I've been living in this limbo land of possibility for so long. I've become so dependent on unemployment that I'm scared to be employed again, scared of rejection, scared of finding another job to be unfulfilling. But the fact is, if I don't even try, I will just be stuck in this limbo forever and as detrimental as it is to my health now, it will be far worse if I allow it to continue. I have been letting myself lose confidence and the only one suffering right now is me. When we give up on ourselves it is worse than others giving up on us. The last defense we have is our belief in ourselves and our abilities, once we let that wall fall then we are really in trouble. I know I have to pick myself back up and believe once again that I can accomplish my goals. If I take a job in a field that I don't enjoy, it does not mean it's forever. I will never be trapped in a job that I can't quit, I will never be forced to do something that I don't want to do. I have been viewing settling as a sign of failure when it's not, when I used to say it was sometimes necessary to get where I wanted to go. I have to remember the attitude I had three months ago when I started this journey and revive it. I've lost faith in my abilities when I have no reason to. I know I am smart, confident, a quick learner, and a hard worker. The rejections I've received should be the catalysts to keep me going, not to give up trying. We all fall down sometimes, and while getting up can be extremely difficult, I'd like to believe that it is worth it in the end.

Hopes for the Future

The transition phase I am in right now is simultaneously frustrating and rewarding. After another interview for a job that I can't take due to low pay and no benefits, I am stressed to my breaking point. It is difficult for me because I don't want to sell insurance or work in retail or manage a studio, I want to write. I want to edit. I want to work in publishing. My life circles around reading and writing. It features English and always has. I want to be a part of the writing world, now more than ever. Unfortunately there is this little thing that the real world likes to term "experience." It's a rotten word really because those of us who want to start in a career can't gain it until we are granted the chance, but those employers out there aren't looking for entry level, they want seasoned professionals. See the disastrous cycle I have become a part of? 

I like to write, I love to journal, I'm emotional and I like expressing it through words. I wish I could summarize myself and my abilities on a one page resume, but the truth is that I can't. My resume reads of my "experience" in the fields that I have been pushed into due to needing a salary, a means to an end. The only experience I have that I truly count useful I developed in high school and it is no longer applicable to the direction in which I want my life to go. Maybe I am meant to manage my own small business or just write the novel that I keep saying I will sit down and conceptualize. The truth is I would love to have a small office to myself, books lining the walls, papers strewn across the desk, but a smile on my face as I discuss a book deal or help future clients. Now if only I could find that "in."

I know that I just need to keep trying, and I haven't given up. Even if it means I have to settle in the meantime, I can still keep my sight set on the future. I can't lose the plans I have. I hope in writing them down, in making them somewhat public, I will stick to that promise. I have the support I need, I have motivation, now I just need a chance. All I'm asking for is one chance to prove myself. I hope I will be granted that wish soon.