I am paralyzed with anxiety and plagued with doubts this morning. I have been tossing and turning all night in the feverish haze that comes with guilt and too much thinking. Why did I think I could do this? There have been no signs affirming the choices that I have made. Here it is, December 1st before 6 am, and I'm staring at the screen with no prospects and no money. I grew up with people telling me I could do whatever it was that I wanted to do. No one tells you about the experience you need or specific educational background. No one is willing to give you a chance based on merit or character.
Okay, so again, I'm overgeneralizing, and while I'm sitting here typing the caffeine is still brewing so all these thoughts may only be semi-coherent as well as depressing. I hate being unemployed. I hate feeling like I have no purpose. So I guess technically I am employed part-time, but I know I won't feel like a productive member of society until I find a full-time job. I'm just failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I suppose I couldn't just assume that something would fall into my lap right away. I guess getting the job that I thought I was going to get last month, only being a month unemployed, would have been too easy. But why? Why can't life be easy?
I am sick of having to work so hard to prove my worth. I am sick of being in debt. I am sick of not being able to afford to have a family or go back to school. These problems will probably always plague me unless I win the lottery, and to win I would have to play. But this is my rant this morning.
I have the gnawing feeling in my chest that I won't be able to move forward, that I shot myself in the foot, that giving up my decent paying job was a full-on, ginormous mistake, that I should not have acted so rashly on emotions. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that in the past when I have been driven to leave a job, it was well-deserved and everything ended up falling into place. But it's really hard to have faith when I feel as if I am in this black hole void of any signs as to which direction to go. I feel like I'm Alice but I'm lost in Wonderland and the White Rabbit hasn't been around to lead me on the right path. The Cheshire Cat is just gleaming at me with his toothy smile confirming my fears of having no clue. I need a sign. I need a feeling. I just need something.