Wednesday, November 30, 2016


I am feeling extremely lost lately. I feel as if I have no direction, no sense of purpose. I question the sanity of my choices. Ever since I received a denial from the job I really wanted, I feel as if there are not quite as many positions available. I feel like my window is closing and the prospects are receding at a rapidly disconcerting rate. Why did I believe that is was a good decision to quit my job? My subconscious is chiming in with "Because you were miserable." Fair point, but at least I was paying off my debt while in misery. I realize I have done a complete 180 in my search for the good and positivity within the world and the work environment, but this is where I am right now. I'm still in my lowest spot, in my darkest days. On days I don't have to get up, I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling trying to decipher the dreams of the night before- dreams that are random and include people with whom I no longer associate.
Speaking of, I saw my ex the other day in church. It had been a few years and I spent the entire mass trying to control my rapid heartbeat. He was with his wife and two children, and all I could think of was the time we spent together in college. All the nights where I was the one on whom he focused his attention. Now, I don't want to be with him, I never saw it working out in the long run. My husband is an amazing man, extremely considerate even in dealings and run-ins with ex-boyfriends. But there's always that little part of you that crumbles again when an ex is around, isn't there? There's always the memories that may seem a lifetime past, but are buried deep down all the same. All it takes is the glimpse of his/her face and it's all over. Suddenly, that grave in your heart seems very shallow.
We chatted briefly after mass and of course he will be in the play that we are seeing this week at church. So I'll be gearing up for another encounter. I'm not sure why this all struck me to the core, not sure why it had me wondering if he would text me, why it had me crying over my breakfast. My husband thinks it is because he has everything that I want, namely a family. I guess we always think the people who have wronged us are going to get bitten by the deadly snake we call karma, but life doesn't always work that way. Which made me wonder, why am I seeing him now? Is this some ultimate lesson in forgiveness, humility, faith? I prayed on it and received no answers. I haven't been receiving any answers lately. I've been alone, depressed, sitting in a dark home alone waiting to turn on the lights.
So I suppose there is no underlying message of positivity in this post. Although many quotes come to mind about there being light in the dark and only coming to where we need to be as a result of hard times. I will leave you with one from one of my favorite writers. “Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.” ~Madeleine L'Engle

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