I feel as if my life is forever in limbo. Yet again I am stuck waiting on a phone call, putting my faith in hiring managers, crossing my fingers and praying every night. It's amazing how much of your life can revolve around one phone call, one letter, one email. We are waiting, always waiting for something more. So how do you know what the right thing is? When is it okay to have faith and at what point does it just become foolish?
Now that I have my sight set on this particular job it is hard to focus on anything else. I have found a place where I can envision a career and now I can't get the image out of my head. I don't want to settle for less, but I don't want to drown as I wait. What if I wait forever? We all know how hiring goes. Sometimes you get the job the next day, sometimes it takes weeks or months to even receive another glimmer of hope. It's a cruel realm- the world of job searching. It has been almost two months and I've turned down more than one opportunity in the hopes of securing my dream job. I tell people to trust me while I am left doubting myself. I think the doubt, the fear is all part of taking risks. I hold my breath waiting to see if the risk will pay off or whether I will be stuck broke and jobless once again, starting the search all over again.
Unemployment has taught me what I want and what I can live without. I am sure I will soon find what I can settle for as well. It has been a better teacher than school in some ways- showing me the reality of choice, of freedom, of rejection, of opportunity. I only hope my large wager is worth it in the end. I can't go home with nothing to show for it now. I feel like a hypocrite, preaching faith and hope while I am losing it slowly; however, I have learned that life is more like bumper cars than a merry-go-round. You are bludgeoned by choices from all sides and can only hope that the ride will slow enough to make a clean getaway. It's all a learning experience- sometimes it's harsh and sometimes it's easy, but it's all real. I pray that my bumper car is about to lose power so I can climb out into my future reality and put limbo to rest.