Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Deja Vu

As my life starts to form a clear picture piece by piece, experience by experience, day by day, I can't help but smile. I am such a worrywart. I spend my time stressing about money, family, and friends only to have my life choices validated soon after. Now, I think that worrying about things is a normal part of life, but sometimes I go to the extremes, losing sleep over things I can't change or control. That is an unhealthy way to live life and more than one person has told me to cut that habit. I guess I'm finally starting to listen. It's not that I never worry anymore, but as I start to see things falling into place, I can relax a little more and actually start living as opposed to just planning. 
I made this realization last weekend as I walked home from work to be greeted by a porch full of neighbors with ice cold beers in hand. I smiled and quickly went inside to change, running back out to the porch with my book and flip flops in hand. We all just sat outside talking and laughing. It made me appreciate the decision I had made to move to this state, the decision we had made to move to this specific apartment. We were no longer in an apartment complex, but in a small house with neighbors that care and have the possibility of becoming good friends. I came home on both Saturday and Sunday to this scene, and it put a big smile on my face as I was able to relax from my work weekend and just revel in the present (something with which you know I struggle). 
I was reminded of things working out for a reason earlier in the week as well. I had been sitting on the porch talking to a neighbor as she weeded the garden when the older couple who lives in the building behind ours came over with their dog. We were talking to them, and as I sat there on the porch I had such an intense moment of deja vu that I found it hard to continue in the conversation. I sat back and watched the scene unfold in front of me exactly as if I had dreamed it. While I do not rely on deja vu as the sole source of reassurance in my life decisions, I do believe in its power. I have had plenty of experiences that I feel as if I've already lived or dreamed. I find comfort in these experiences, as if they are road markers that I can look back upon and say with certainty and clarity that I belonged in that specific place at that specific time. It assures me that my path is my own, and I'm making the best decisions that I possibly can. 
As I sit here typing this morning, I am greeted by a stretch of four days off. I still can't get used to this part time thing, but until my job becomes full time, I vow to make the most of the summer that is laid out before me. This time has been given to me for a reason and I plan to use it wisely. Using this time may be as simple as taking a day to read and organize, but it's a day that I can use towards me. Give yourself the time you so desperately need and be proud of your decisions. Remember that no one needs to validate your life choices. While you may welcome advice from family and friends, you are the only one whose opinion truly matters regarding your life. As long as you stay true to yourself and your beliefs, life will work out the way it's supposed to even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

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