Settling

Settling. Who knew that one little word could have such positive and negative implications? On the one hand, settling can be a comforting thing- making a life for oneself, getting well acquainted with a job or a relationship; it's a good thing, right? Not always. Often we find ourselves settling for something that's easy- a job we'd rather not get rid of yet we know it no longer fulfills us, a relationship that's easier to hold on to than dealing with the pain of letting go, a risk we'd rather not face and so we don't. In the past, I've preached a lot about the dangers of settling, yet I find myself doing it once again. While I have settled in the positive sense, getting used to a new apartment, a new state, a new set of acquaintances, my bad habit of settling on a job has reared its ugly head again. I have been part time with the bank since June, picking up more hours in the summer due to vacations and such, but now I'm struggling. The money is getting tight and I'm not getting the full time I hoped I would achieve by this point. While I am looking for other jobs, I'm settling on what I'm looking for, trapping myself in financial positions and insurance. Insurance, one field I swore to myself I would never end up, the same field in which I've been offered a job and have spent the last few days agonizing over whether or not to take it. 

Life is full of decisions like these, endless forks in the road, choices we have to make if we are to continue on and not remain stagnant. My current choice comes with complications as the potential job opportunity comes with strings attached, a probationary part-time 30 day attachment to be exact. This makes my life complex because it's become a choice of one job over the other, as this new job may be a conflict of interest with my position at the bank. And so I am stuck in the middle of two choices, neither of which I see myself making a life from in the future. And there, I said it. Neither is my choice of employment, both have become pertinent examples of settling. I am finding myself drawn more and more towards scrapping the whole situation and beginning my search all over again. After all, what's the harm?

What I have come to realize over the past few months is that my self-confidence has taken a real dip. I know that I am a hard worker, I receive praise regularly from both customers and my employer, yet I find no fulfillment in what I do. That's a problem for me. I need to be in a work environment where I am busy, where I am challenged, where I enjoy all that I do on a daily basis. I want to tell people what I do with flourish and a smile, not with my head tilted downward with embarrassment, my face full of excuses. All this extra time I have lately, what with my twenty hour work week, has pushed me to be lazy and reluctant to take chances and make changes in my own life. But that attitude has to stop, and the only one who can stop it is me. I have to be the one to build myself back up, to realize that I am worth as much as I tell myself that I am, and that there are opportunities everywhere from which I can grow, I just need to find them.