I have been lying in bed for the last two nights, staring at the ceiling, letting the week's events whisper around in my mind as I had the thought: I should start writing at night. Of course, I continued to stare at the ceiling, tossing and turning for hours until I found sleep, or rather until it found me. Unlike normal people who, worn out by the events and worries of the day, fall asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow, I lie awake and think. I just start thinking and fail to stop. That is the time when my imagination gets the best of me, and that is the time I should be writing. Maybe I would have two novels by now had I gotten up the motivation to get out of bed and sit at the computer. I think the urge to write so late at night is the urge to get things off my mind, to purge the events of the day, to let my creativity shine, and to let my imagination have its say in words, outside the realm of my head. I try to journal first thing in the morning (as author Julia Cameron calls writing my "morning pages"), but I'm beginning to think some writing at night might also do me some good.
This morning, the major thought consuming me was those five words which I always view as terrifying. I am giving my notice. With that one sentence, my fate changes. I leave one career path for another, I leave one set of coworkers for another, I replace all that's known with the unknown. You see, I wasn't going to take the path that had been presented to me recently, but after I wrote my post about embracing the unknown and not being scared, I realized that I was being a hypocrite. I was the one who looked like the coward, hiding in the corner, afraid of new opportunities that might not turn out in my favor. So in opposition to my previous position on the fate of my employment, I chose to think that the future could work in my favor, and so I leapt once again into the realm of possibility.
I was on my way to my employer this morning to face those five scary words I mentioned earlier when my heart started pounding uncontrollably. I was nervous, my palms sweaty, my mind racing for the right words to say once I walked in the door. You see, if you haven't gleaned from my previous posts, I have the most extreme conscience. I felt guilty signing papers for another job, I feared that others would judge or not understand my life choices. Not many people understand why I react the way I do in these types of situations. I don't mean to say that I am an extremely selfless person and never do anything to promote myself, but often I do put the happiness of others before my own. I sometimes fear the opinions and judgements of others without stepping back and realizing that I make specific decisions for myself and for my reasons alone. I know that I will follow through regardless of what others think, so why do I care so much?
I may never have a good answer to that question. I like to make others happy, but after reflecting, I try to remind myself that I am allowed to come first. The decisions I make affect me first and foremost, so most of the time I have the final say. And after giving my notice, I felt lighthearted once again and nervous for new possibilities. I have been told that it will take a while to stop my bad habit of caring so much about what others think and focusing on myself. I took a small step today by looking past the things and people I would miss at my current job and imagining the future and what is best for me. It's scary, and while I still question whether I made the right decision, I would never know if I didn't take a chance. I am trying to take more chances, which in turn means that I might be making more mistakes, but at least it means I am growing constantly. I'd rather spend my life making mistakes than regretting never having taken chances in the first place. Wouldn't you?
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