"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts,
while the stupid ones are full of confidence." ~Charles Bukowski
I discovered this quote yesterday while I was on a major guilt trip and found it to be very true. I have found lately that I have less self-confidence than I used to and bring myself down constantly. I make every decision with the fear it may be the wrong one, and am overly cautious when I should be comfortable.
I think the same can be said with intelligent people making mistakes, owning up to them, and fearing the consequences while those who do wrong may do so not caring or blame others, therefore not accepting the consequences of their own actions. I made a mistake at work yesterday and even though I owned up to it immediately and contacted all the right people, I still felt a nagging sense of dread and guilt. I didn't sleep well last night and my dreams were filled with images of corporate tycoons firing me. I woke with a huge headache and a nasty lump in my throat that I just couldn't shake. I stopped by work today to see how things had turned out, and it seems that I am the only one beating myself up about it. While I dreamt of being fired, others saw that I am a good employee who made one mistake. I often forget to allow myself to be human and mess up every once in a while. But the thing that has always been true for me is that I am my own worst critic. I have the biggest guilt complex. In fact, I'm pretty sure I feel guilt for those who no longer do or have never been able. That's a lot of guilt and a lot of pressure to put on just one person, and I'm the only one to blame for doing it to myself.
I know I'm rambling this morning, but I thought it would help me to write about it. I admit I made a mistake, and I take the consequences and move on. That's it. It's so easy for me to replay the whole situation in my mind over and over again, but that helps no one, least of all myself. I took the blame and now whatever happens happens. I wish I could fully believe in all the words I'm typing right now, but the guilt is still choking me a bit. So I suppose I shall try to relax and find some peace in knowing that no one is angry or thinks immediate termination is in the cards for me. Good work often outweighs the small mistakes we may make along the way. I'm human, and I constantly have to remind myself of that.