Being Honest With Yourself

"The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment." 

~Pema Chodron

Another day and the job search continues. I found a few writing/editing jobs this morning that brought my optimism level higher than expected. I get that temporary high as I write cover letters explaining my love for writing, hoping and praying that those on the receiving end will perceive my enthusiasm and look past my entry level status. I spent yesterday afternoon watching a marathon of Sex and the City in lieu of relaxing from an interview that was rescheduled at the last minute. I envy Carrie Bradshaw, and not because of the multitude of shoes in her closet, but because of her passion for writing. She gets to write daily about the things that are most important and most intriguing to her. I want that. I hope some day to have it. I'm a creative writer, not a cutthroat journalist. I come to conclusions based on my own experiences, not by poking and prodding at the lives of others. The picture of Carrie sitting in her quaint New York apartment staring out the window at the changing seasons and writing about matters close to her heart sticks with me. If I could sit at my computer every day making a difference in the lives of readers while simultaneously writing about each and every thing that pops into my head, I would be in heaven. Turning my musings into words, my experiences into stories, my life into a fictional novel- it's all I want. I continue to strive toward that goal, despite having to interview for jobs that are not within the same inspiring realm. 

Have you ever felt that possibility and opportunity was so close yet simultaneously so far away? It is as if all the possibilities in the world are limitingly endless or endlessly limiting. It is as if you're stuck in that limbo that I always preach about. Writing and expressing emotion mean everything to me and if I could share that passion outside of the few people who read my blog, I would do so. I have found my own voice in writing, I just hope that I can look beyond the fear that I am no good, that I am too emotional, that no one will understand my writing and just be able to write fearlessly. All I want, all i have ever wanted is to write the next bestseller, is to publish a book of my poetry, is to become a better short story writer. What is stopping me? It's fear. Fear that I won't be accepted, fear that I can't accomplish the goals I set for myself, fear that I will fail. But how can I fail if I never try? Ask yourself how many goals and ambitions you have put on the back burner because you're afraid. I'm afraid to even begin sometimes. I discourage myself before my pen hits the paper. But I know I need to conquer those fears just as I conquer fear every day- fear of rejection at an interview, fear that I'm not good enough for the job to which I am applying, fear that I won't be able to pay my bills on time. Step past that fear, just brush past it and keep walking. 

Yesterday I put off writing in my journal all day. I told myself it was because my interview for the morning was cancelled so I was off my intended schedule. I told myself that relaxing in front of the television was more important. I told myself it could wait another hour. Finally, I muted the television and dug up my journal. I started writing what I feared- that I was depressed because I had been unemployed so long, that I missed people I haven't seen in years, that I had no clue what my future held. And when my twenty minutes were up, I went back to the couch, but I felt relieved. That composition book was no longer a ticking time bomb in my closet, it never detonated because I overcame my demons and wrote. I am often fearful of what I'll find when I write, afraid someone else will find it some day and think I'm crazy, afraid the phantoms of my past will haunt me for days afterwords. But what I've found is that if I don't write, I become the time bomb, my emotions bottle up to disastrous proportions until I explode irrationally at everyone and everything that have the misfortune of walking in my path. Not saying what you're feeling is far more destructive than being honest, even if that honesty is difficult to face. I face my fears every day- new ones, old ones, ones I didn't know existed. It's frightening but it's life, it's reality, it's my reality. With every obstacle I overcome, with every negative thought I manage to combat, I win a little. I hope my tiny victories catalyze a major life change. A lot has changed over the past few months, and I hope it continues to change for the better.