What I Want to be When I Grow up

It's the ultimate question, isn't it? What do I want to be when I grow up? As I've been searching for jobs, I find myself asking it a lot. It's funny, some days I am discouraged about not being able to pinpoint that exact answer, yet other days I feel as if the entirety of the job market is mine to pursue. Now, we all know that this is not close to being true. There's that whole pesky need for experience thing, but today I reveled in the fact that there are many doors open to me.
For instance, I have come to realize that I shouldn't take for granted the opportunity that has been given to me at the library. Although I have only been given a set couple of Fridays a month to work, I have been there far more often for training and filling in when people call out. I have been reminded that people are not handed jobs lightly and that the director must have seen potential or taken a certain interest in my talents to consider giving me the hours she had available. It is a definite step forward despite the lack of 40 hours a week.
Additionally, I have gotten interviews in all different types of fields. I had two interviews for an admissions counselor position; a position that I was devastated to not be given due to lack of experience. I was in a group interview last night for a paralegal position, making the initial cut and hoping to make the next one. I have two interviews next week in the medical profession- billing and reception. Again, not the glamorous writer/publisher/editor/creative lifestyle I had imagined, but these are all positive things. My neighbor continues to encourage me to sign up to substitute teach for our school district as the school system is always in need of good paraprofessionals. And I have a friend who has sent me an application to a store where he works and has been networking on my behalf.
I am lucky. I really am. I have a lot of people who care about me and a lot of people who continue to show me that I am worth it. On the rainy days when I have trouble getting out of my robe or even taking a shower, I sink into this depressive state of self-loathing. I see my lack of credentials and look at the LinkedIn pages of my friends who seem to be going places in life. It's a hard place to come back from when you haven't been offered that dream job or you haven't had an interview in two weeks. But it all comes full circle. I've been picking up shifts at the library the last couple of weeks and now have three interviews scheduled within the time span of a week after having nothing for the last few. And maybe none of these interviews will work out; however, I am hopeful that it only means the right opportunity is still out there waiting to be found.
I am glad that I woke up with the motivation to write this morning, the motivation to be positive, the motivation to keep trying. Truth is, I've been telling myself that I need to blog for the last week and continue to move that onto the next day's to-do list. In talking with others I have learned a few things about life and the workforce in general. I will share them here:
          1) People aren't always as happy as they may seem in their current position, despite what   
          Facebook or LinkedIn may lead you to believe.
          2) What is right for another isn't necessarily the right fit for you.
          3) We are all ultimately just trying to figure it all out.
I've had the "what do you want to be when you grow up" conversation with several people, many of whom are older than myself. And do you know what I have found? Not that many people know. Even those who have been set on a career path for over a decade still say that they're not sure that's where they want to end up. And that's what life is- it's tricky, it can be messy, it is most certainly complicated, but it's ever-changing and ever-evolving. Maybe we're not meant to figure it out in this life. Maybe we're meant to keep searching so as not to become stagnant. Maybe we make changes when we have to and maybe, just maybe, it all works out in the end.

Give me a Sign

I am paralyzed with anxiety and plagued with doubts this morning. I have been tossing and turning all night in the feverish haze that comes with guilt and too much thinking. Why did I think I could do this? There have been no signs affirming the choices that I have made. Here it is, December 1st before 6 am, and I'm staring at the screen with no prospects and no money. I grew up with people telling me I could do whatever it was that I wanted to do. No one tells you about the experience you need or specific educational background. No one is willing to give you a chance based on merit or character.
Okay, so again, I'm overgeneralizing, and while I'm sitting here typing the caffeine is still brewing so all these thoughts may only be semi-coherent as well as depressing. I hate being unemployed. I hate feeling like I have no purpose. So I guess technically I am employed part-time, but I know I won't feel like a productive member of society until I find a full-time job. I'm just failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I suppose I couldn't just assume that something would fall into my lap right away. I guess getting the job that I thought I was going to get last month, only being a month unemployed, would have been too easy. But why? Why can't life be easy?
I am sick of having to work so hard to prove my worth. I am sick of being in debt. I am sick of not being able to afford to have a family or go back to school. These problems will probably always plague me unless I win the lottery, and to win I would have to play. But this is my rant this morning.
I have the gnawing feeling in my chest that I won't be able to move forward, that I shot myself in the foot, that giving up my decent paying job was a full-on, ginormous mistake, that I should not have acted so rashly on emotions. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that in the past when I have been driven to leave a job, it was well-deserved and everything ended up falling into place. But it's really hard to have faith when I feel as if I am in this black hole void of any signs as to which direction to go. I feel like I'm Alice but I'm lost in Wonderland and the White Rabbit hasn't been around to lead me on the right path. The Cheshire Cat is just gleaming at me with his toothy smile confirming my fears of having no clue. I need a sign. I need a feeling. I just need something.