I find that it's most often when we are at our lowest point that we discover small truths about ourselves. My periodic meltdowns, while sometimes embarrassing, are never pointless. I became overwhelmed recently when change became a little bit too much to bear. I have been trying to juggle too many things and finally everything just imploded. I had been focusing on all the wrong things yet they seemed right at the time- getting a job, finding an apartment, working on my relationship. All of these things I would be able to handle if only I had a proper handle on myself. I have been trying to conquer three life obstacles all in one hurdle and it just isn't working. I figured that out the hard way as I sat on the bathroom floor yesterday sobbing uncontrollably. We can't master it all, not at once. It's too much, and sometimes it's okay to admit defeat, to take a step back, to give ourselves a break.
I have been focusing so much on "we" that I forgot about "me." What do I want? I have made the right decisions so far- quitting a job that was causing me misery, moving out to experience what my relationship would be like sans distance, going on interviews to find a new career. It's just that I've been so caught up in the whirlwind of doing the right thing that I forgot to listen to myself. I thought I needed to devote every once of energy into my relationship and my job search that I ignored myself. I had become part of a "we" and doing anything outside of that context seemed scary. I couldn't even go home by myself because I had become so used to having someone by my side. That's not who I wanted to be, that's not what I want. It's too early for me to be dependent on someone else completely. It doesn't mean I have to end the relationship, it just means I have to make room in it for me. I had been tending to someone else's needs while completely ignoring my own. I ignored them so long that they burst to the surface and forced me to deal with them. So I'm dealing with them, starting today.
I've decided to take the journey home this weekend by myself. I feel stupid saying it's a major decision to be alone for a couple days, but it's true. I've pushed myself into a timeout corner without realizing what I was doing. I put others' needs before my own and I see that it was wrong. I think I'm scared to face myself. I think I'm scared of what I might find. Maybe I'll realize I'm not supposed to be here. Maybe I'll realize my dream job is something other than what I've been striving for. Maybe I'll realize I'm not supposed to be in a relationship with the man sleeping next to me. I'm terrified of what I might find out. Since when did I become someone less than independent, less than confident with who I am?
I've made the right decisions so far, but I need to start listening to my heart again because I think I've buried it. Other than having the knowledge that I want to write, I'm not sure what else I know. I know I love the man I'm with, but I don't know if he's the one. I know I like living on my own, but I'm not sure if this state is where I should stay. I've been hypocritical, preaching happiness and independence when I haven't been fully honest with myself. Well I'm taking baby steps again, what about you?
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