Deja Vu

As my life starts to form a clear picture piece by piece, experience by experience, day by day, I can't help but smile. I am such a worrywart. I spend my time stressing about money, family, and friends only to have my life choices validated soon after. Now, I think that worrying about things is a normal part of life, but sometimes I go to the extremes, losing sleep over things I can't change or control. That is an unhealthy way to live life and more than one person has told me to cut that habit. I guess I'm finally starting to listen. It's not that I never worry anymore, but as I start to see things falling into place, I can relax a little more and actually start living as opposed to just planning. 

I made this realization last weekend as I walked home from work to be greeted by a porch full of neighbors with ice cold beers in hand. I smiled and quickly went inside to change, running back out to the porch with my book and flip flops in hand. We all just sat outside talking and laughing. It made me appreciate the decision I had made to move to this state, the decision we had made to move to this specific apartment. We were no longer in an apartment complex, but in a small house with neighbors that care and have the possibility of becoming good friends. I came home on both Saturday and Sunday to this scene, and it put a big smile on my face as I was able to relax from my work weekend and just revel in the present (something with which you know I struggle). 

I was reminded of things working out for a reason earlier in the week as well. I had been sitting on the porch talking to a neighbor as she weeded the garden when the older couple who lives in the building behind ours came over with their dog. We were talking to them, and as I sat there on the porch I had such an intense moment of deja vu that I found it hard to continue in the conversation. I sat back and watched the scene unfold in front of me exactly as if I had dreamed it. While I do not rely on deja vu as the sole source of reassurance in my life decisions, I do believe in its power. I have had plenty of experiences that I feel as if I've already lived or dreamed. I find comfort in these experiences, as if they are road markers that I can look back upon and say with certainty and clarity that I belonged in that specific place at that specific time. It assures me that my path is my own, and I'm making the best decisions that I possibly can. 

As I sit here typing this morning, I am greeted by a stretch of four days off. I still can't get used to this part time thing, but until my job becomes full time, I vow to make the most of the summer that is laid out before me. This time has been given to me for a reason and I plan to use it wisely. Using this time may be as simple as taking a day to read and organize, but it's a day that I can use towards me. Give yourself the time you so desperately need and be proud of your decisions. Remember that no one needs to validate your life choices. While you may welcome advice from family and friends, you are the only one whose opinion truly matters regarding your life. As long as you stay true to yourself and your beliefs, life will work out the way it's supposed to even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Living in the Present, Not Just in Limbo Between the Past and the Future

Although I preach optimism in my blog, I have a real tendency toward pessimism. I am really good at finding the negative aspects of a situation first and latching on to them as if I can gain some hidden insights. For example, yesterday I spent most of my day sitting on the couch watching television and moping. I was upset that I don't feel at home yet in my new environment, mad that my friends and family aren't down here with me, sad that I feel like a stranger in my own life. I spent the day ruminating on things I couldn't change instead of trying to do something about it. 

I think this tendency of mine to focus on the negative also stems from my inability to live in the present. I describe myself as "in limbo" so much because I truly am. I live between the past and the future, but I never touch the present. I get so wrapped up in events that I can't change and things that might be, that I fail to see what is right in front of my face. I fail to live the life that I have been creating for myself. This is a real problem, and I'm beginning to recognize that. This week I've had three days off in a row, this one being the third. While I've been somewhat productive, it hasn't all been healthy. I spent day one in the past, day two moping, and here, at day three, I hope that I've made some kind of breakthrough. 

On day one, I convinced myself that I needed to rekindle an old friendship that has been broken for the past two years. Now the decision to suspend the friendship was a mutual one, but I don't think I've really come to terms with the way it ended. It wasn't messy, it wasn't nasty, but it was painful in a way. I had been really close to this guy for four years and he had become my spiritual and emotional go-to guru. After graduation, we stopped talking. His life was going in a spiritual direction and mine was not. He was not in the position to keep up a close friendship with me and while I accepted this fact, I can't say that I ever truly understood. 

We didn't speak for a year until he wrote me a letter telling me that he didn't see why we couldn't still be friends, there was no rule against it. I was both hurt and relieved, but mostly hurt that it had been an entire year without contact, an entire year in which I received as much closure as one can possibly obtain in situations such as these. We wrote back and forth for the summer although it became difficult for me to pretend it was like it used to be. We met once and it was so awkward for me that I gave up the illusion we could make a friendship work, so I ended it (for the second time). It was I who brought it back a third time this spring when I was convinced he belonged in my life. 

I consider myself a spiritual person, but have not been good at practicing my beliefs. Somehow conversations with him always eased my mind and my thoughts about God and life. So I told him that I believed he still had a place in my life, but the letter I got in response seemed colder, not the same person I had taken long walks with in college. I ignored this fact and after giving it some thought, I called him on Tuesday. I thought his opinion on my recent grief concerning my grandmother's death and on my life transition might be helpful. It wasn't. After an hour on the phone, I finally realized that I had to let it go. We are both in different places of our lives, places where the other one can no longer follow. He had been building up a wall this whole time we had gone without contact, and like an idiot, I ran headfirst into it. I was sad then mad then accepting. I was sad that such a great friendship had ended, sad that a person who had been integral to four years of my life was just gone. I was mad that he contacted me a year ago only to start pushing me away. I suppose that now I've accepted that our friendship is meant for the past. We both knew it would end because of the separate lives we both chose. I just didn't think I'd have such a hard time letting it go, but then again, I have a tendency to hold on to people, usually people I shouldn't. 

On day two, I moped around my apartment. I was upset that I didn't fit into the new lifestyle into which I had inserted myself. I became fixated on the fact that my family and close friends were hours away, that my boyfriend was at work, that there were no good Law & Order marathons on television, and that I did not know what I was doing with my life. Again, I turned toward the negatives. I really need to stop myself before I get to that place because once I start questioning or hating one decision, others follow all too willingly. By the time my boyfriend came home, I was slumped on the couch with Grey's Anatomy playing on Lifetime and a sour puss on my face. We were going out to dinner with one of his friends so he peeled me off the couch and attempted to cheer me up. I find that once you're in a bad mood, it takes a lot of coaxing to get you out of it. I also find that no matter how many people try to put a smile on your face, only you make the decision to do so. I enjoyed going out to dinner and watching them play video games afterwards, but I was still in a place of self-loathing, of wondering, of bitterness. 

It wasn't until the ride home that I began to accept my own advice and live in the present. I stuck my hand out of the window as the highway flew by, the trees throwing shade in varying degrees on my arms and the hood of my car as the sun sank lower in the sky. He took my hand from the driver's seat and I closed my eyes. I listened to the wind blowing and felt the sun and shade dancing on my face. I smiled as my eyes stayed shut and reminded myself that this was living in the present, this moment was what I was missing as I moped in my apartment or refused to smile out of my own stubborn will. We said nothing on the way home and I reveled in the silence instead of brooding. It's moments like that which remind me why I'm here and what I should be focusing on.

So today I sit in the nearby library, typing this post. Men were working on the outside of my apartment and with every blow to the house, I felt as if the windows would cave in and my patience along with them. But once again, life has a funny way of turning around situations. I walked out of my apartment this morning frustrated at the noise, ready to yell at the workmen, but instead ended up in this peaceful library which eerily reminds me of the one in which I used to find sanctuary at school. I realized I forgot my headphones and silently cursed as I sat down in my cubicle, but sometimes we need the silence. In the absence of distraction, I find my peace.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

I must admit that I've been neglecting this blog a little bit lately. I have been discouraged and allowed myself to take a backseat in my own future. I went home for the weekend and while I was glad to be there, it was not as relaxing as I had hoped. I wanted a peaceful weekend spent with mostly family, but I found myself pushed and pulled in many different directions. Once people found out I was home visiting, I was scheduled into calendars and booked for lunch and dinner dates. Now I am not saying that I do not appreciate all of my friends or that I was not thrilled to see them, I just realized after my weekend home that I hadn't found the peace I had come in search of. I returned to my apartment exhausted and a little overwhelmed. I felt homesick and tired, as if I hadn't just spent the last few days surrounded by people I love. As I sit here this morning on my day off with my journal and my cup of coffee, I realize it is because I have been neglecting myself. I even brought my journal with me this weekend but it remained buried in the bottom of my suitcase, untouched for my entire stay home. 

Not listening to your own needs often becomes detrimental to your health, not necessarily your physical health, but most certainly your emotional one. I went to work yesterday and just waited for the hours to tick down so I would have a string of days off. I felt drained, felt like I needed to regain my strength and sense of being. Now for all my friends who read this and think, wow I will never try to schedule time with her again, I hope that you reconsider. It is never that I don't want to see people or I think they shouldn't call. I just believe that right now I am in a stage of my life where it is imperative that I think solely of myself. Now as I learned in my Creativity class years ago, this should not be confused with being selfish. If we don't take time to listen to what our minds, bodies, and spirits need, we unknowingly become a point of stress in our own lives. I think back to when I was living at home and how my life revolved around work and rushing around, thinking only during my breaks that I really would love to write again. I would promise myself I would write down the dream I had, I would rant about my bad day in my journal, I would write another poem once I got home. It never happened. I had become stretched so thin trying to meet the demands of others that I forgot to listen to the one person who really mattered- me. I got a taste of that again this weekend. I had been looking forward to spending time with my family, to continue writing, but what I got was a booked social calendar. While pleasing others is a great aspiration to have, it is also my biggest downfall. I often forget to ask what I want and end up in social situations that I would have rather forgone for a night in bed with a book. 

So ask yourself today- what do I want? Is someone pushing you to do something you'd rather not? Are you squashing your own creative juices in order to meet someone else's expectations? I've learned that you need to give yourself more credit. I'm trying to give myself more credit daily, and I'm trying to listen to my heart. I've told myself this morning that I have to stop thinking so much about what others will think of my actions, and just do what makes me happy. Sometimes others won't understand your motivations. Let them. You know what is best for you, and only you can understand what it is your heart wants. Don't let others devalue your opinions or passions- you are the key player, the decision maker, the owner of your life. I remind you to "[b]e who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" (Dr. Seuss). 

Defining Your Story

On this scorcher of a day, I have locked myself inside my apartment like a hermit. Despite not setting my alarm this morning, I woke up at the same time I have been all week. It looks like a schedule is starting to stick, which I suppose is a good thing after the unstructured, unemployed life I had been living. I make sure to get up a half hour earlier every day because I have committed to writing in my journal before work, a habit that had gone by the wayside when I was previously employed and overstressed. As I sit on the couch today, cold and comfortable, I am struck by a recurring wave of nostalgia. Per usual, a dream about an old friend brought up those feelings that I like to hide deep inside of me. Why is it we seem to miss the people that can no longer be there? The people that we're not supposed to miss? The people we don't want to admit we miss?

The memories that come to mind most readily are from college because it is the place where I learned the most about myself over a period of four years. Everyone says to enjoy it while you can because if you blink, those days will be gone. Well I made the mistake of blinking because those four years have been gone for a few years. The truth is that I defined myself throughout my college experience. I became who I am today through the mistakes and achievements I made on that campus with those people. I got my first bad grade, I had my first real heartbreak, I became outgoing, I had my first major onstage role, I fell in love, I found God, I found familiarity in strangers, I made close friends, I lost God, I found myself crying on the floor more than once, I walked around campus smiling at the beauty of life. I went through a range of emotions and experiences crammed into four short years surrounded by people who are still in my life, surrounded by people who continue to affect my life even though I've lost contact, surrounded by people who I no longer wish to have a part of my life. On days off like this one, I remember it all, the beauty and pain alike. 

I think we all can look back on a certain place in life and remember what and who defined our morals, our heart, our minds, ourselves. Maybe the present I am living right now is another defining period in my life and in a few years, I will look back and remember the obstacles I overcame- unemployment, moving, loneliness. Maybe I will continue to dream about those people no longer here. At times it is beyond annoying and makes me extremely emotional over what is probably insignificant, but sometimes it comes as a comfort, a taste of that time I miss. I can't have it back, and in some ways, I don't want it back. But it's still there, those people are still a part of me, those experiences and mistakes still define me. 

Every choice we make, every person we allow to occupy a place in our heart, every experience we have creates our road map. Everyone has one, a map that defines the kind of person he or she is and will continue to become. We are each unique, we are all individuals with a story to tell. Every day I add to my story, every day I remember the tales I have to tell, the experiences that make me different from the next person. I have been striving to keep my story alive in my journals, through my writing, in this blog. How will you tell your story?

No Reservations About Your Happiness

Living in limbo is a phrase I often use when describing where I am at in my life. I usually view this position of mine as frustrating or embarrassing, juggling two worlds- one in which I wish to live and the other in which I actually reside. Today I came to realize that limbo is not the worse place you can be provided you continue moving forward with plans for the future.

As I talked with coworkers today, I realized that most of us are in a transition phase of life; not many people can say they are working their ideal job or are making their ideal salary or are living out a perfect balance of work and play. We constantly find ourselves searching for something better. I often cringe as I say I work at a bank because everyone who knows me knows that I have a degree in English and would much rather spend my time working with words instead of handling cash. So I always feel pressured to add a "but I'm..." clause. "But I'm writing articles now." "But I'm focusing on my blog a lot more." "But I'm looking to get into publishing." But why do I feel the need to do this? I can't classify myself as miserably unhappy, I can't say that I hate the people I work with, I can't say I dread going to work. I feel bad making excuses for myself, but I've realized I'm not the only one who does it. We are all living between jobs, living between break ups, living between homes. We are all changing and transitioning. Maybe those aren't excuses I'm making, but merely the truth.

I find that I want people to know more about me. I want people to understand that I am working toward fulfillment. The more I realize this, the easier it is for me to see this happening with many of the people around me. People that are making their way through school as they pay the bills with the job they acquired outside their field. People who need to pay a mortgage and are looking to make their way up in a company. People who have found their passion, but can't quite acquire a career in it yet. We are all striving for something better, and admitting that we are working toward other goals isn't an excuse, it's the truth. I am proud to talk about writing and the ways in which my world has changed the past few months. Sometimes I do get down on myself for not having a job I'm in love with yet, but I understand that it will come in time. In the meantime, I let people know who I am outside of my work life because it is important to me that people understand I have many layers.

All of us have goals and desires and if you aren't in the right career or the right relationship or the right location, you will be as long as you pursue those things for which you long. The danger lies in becoming complacent. Once you start to become too set in your routine or lazy with continuing on your path, you endanger yourself and your future creative works. I'm not saying that a day or a week of doing nothing is detrimental, but when you get to the point when weeks, months, or years pass without attempting to take a step in the right direction, then you fail. You fail yourself in not allowing for your own growth- spiritual, emotional, mental, etc- and in turn you fail others by depriving them of those works of which the world is now void. We owe it to ourselves to pursue what makes us happy and to have no reservations about doing so.

"There's no distance too far for a grandparent to travel"

On this Father's Day, all I can think about is family and that I am lucky enough to have a very close relationship with them. Yesterday, my family and extended family came together not only to celebrate Father's Day, but also to gather for the first time since the death of my grandmother a month ago. As I sit here today, I can't help but miss all of them already. My family is my support network, and I have learned that they are not to be taken for granted, remembering this especially in the wake of losing my grandma. As we all gathered at my grandparents' house yesterday, I couldn't help but miss her because she is still everywhere- in the dishcloths, in the salt and pepper shakers, in the lists still hanging from the fridge, in the wooden calendar she so diligently reset every month. A house seems less like home when you lose a member from it. We all walked around talking and laughing, but I couldn't help feeling like I was wandering. It seemed like a strange place even in its familiarity. Going through her old clothes, standing in her kitchen, watching my grandfather sit in his chair alone, it all felt wrong. Some family members commented that it felt like she had disappeared or evaporated. It felt like she was on a trip, as if she'd soon be back. I can't help feeling like I have no closure, but then again, when does one ever feel closure concerning the death of a loved one? 

Someone recently told me that the lack of closure is merely how death operates. You go through the initial mourning period and you think you're fine. Then in a few months it hits you again out of the blue and you are reminded that you have lost someone very dear to you, that person just isn't coming home. Then it might fade, but it always has the ability to sneak up out of nowhere and swiftly punch you in the gut or roundhouse kick you right in the heart. You never can escape the reality of death, and I think that is what makes it so scary. It has a certain power over all of us. We are all affected by the death of a loved one, a friend or an acquaintance; death has the power to control us and the power to eventually take us. That is a scary concept with which to wrestle. I try not to be to morbid here, but it is a fact that each and every one of us must face in time. 

When I think about the precious life that was lost, I still remember what I have left. When cleaning out the attic, my aunt found a folder with some newspaper cuttings in it. It was a clipping from a paper dating around 1997 or so. The picture at the top of the page was me with my grandmother. It was from grandparents day at school and she was planting a kiss on the top of my head as I smiled happily enjoying a piece of bread. I don't remember this picture or the event at which it was taken, but it made me simultaneously smile and tear up. It was a piece of her that was meant for me; it was a picture of us, just her and me. This was her gift that she left for me to have. It's hanging up on my wall right now, and I am thankful that it inspires me to smile every time because its message, her message, is all too clear. The title reads, "There's no distance too far for a grandparent to travel."

Why I Am Thankful

I am writing today to say that I am thankful. I was published by tinybuddha.com yesterday and have received a lot of comments on my article and on my blog as a result. For anyone that only reads my blog, here is a link to the article that I have written- http://tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-uncertainty-the-future-is-open-not-empty/. I encourage everyone to read it if they have the chance. I am so excited that my words can resonate with other people and that others can relate to my experiences. I came home to a message that my article had been published and was full of joy all night as I kept clicking on the page that had my words written across it. It is a huge feeling of accomplishment, and I am grateful that someone took a chance on me and recognized that my words were meaningful. I do not write in search of praise or recognition, but it is an amazing feeling to be read and admired. I remain humbly grateful to all the readers of that post and this blog. It makes me feel as if my goals are not that far out of reach. This is only one step to continuing a career in writing. One reader called my post, "refreshing," "honest," and "real." I think that was the biggest compliment because those are qualities I look for in good writers, and as such, they are qualities I hope to emulate with my own writing. 

I want to work on more articles for tinybuddha.com in the future, as well as find other places where I can be published. I would love to be able to find a way to make this my career. Even if it is a hobby on the side for a while, the more I get published and recognized, the better chance I have of making a career of something about which I am so passionate. I like being able to tell people I am a writer or aspiring writer. To have others validate my work is an incredible feeling, and I am remarkably indebted to everyone who continues to encourage me daily. 

I am thankful to have had these last few months to be able to work on myself. I've found that if you don't have time to take care of you, you start losing a bit of yourself. I had been so stressed and overworked to the point where I didn't feel like doing anything. I knew I wanted to go home and write, but I had zero motivation when I got there. The television and my bed became my best friends after long days at work- that's when I should have known I was in trouble. You should never be put in a position where your best interests are placed last. You should always come first, and not in a selfish way, but in a self-loving way. Anyone who puts your cares and concerns last, shouldn't be in your life. Any job that makes you feel inferior and not recognized, isn't the one for you. It's all about having the courage to listen to that inner voice and take action. For me it was that leap of faith that changed my life for the better.